The title is only half ironic … because I do owe him a debt. No, I’m not going to mourn him nor am I going to gloat over his death. I don’t like anyone getting killed (and you can hold me to that later on if I look like I’m gloating over certain deaths) and I believe in fair trials. I don’t actually object to the death penalty; I just believe in judicial fairness …
And certainly just like the vast majority of people around the world, I’m not sad he’s dead. As a Muslim, I hated the way he misrepresented our beliefs and damaged Islam, I hated the killings he did and the way he allowed others to kill eben more … as an American Muslim, I hated the way he turned my people into a despised minority and made us suddenly aware of real dangers to us … as an Arab, I hated that he gave the excuse for wars that have destroyed one country and that his followers have killed so many of us … as a Syrian, I hated that he and his followers made this regime look like a better choice …
But I am embarassed by some of these reactions; as an American, by the fools celebrating murder as a good thing and forgetting everything that makes America a great country in an orgy of bloodlust … as an Arab, by the fools in Najd, Gaza and Lebanon publicly mourning him … as a reader, by the way hasbara and propagandists use those fools selectively to defame entire peoples, whether Arabs or Americans (or both) …
And I’m offended as a Muslim when people commit crimes in the name of Islam just as much as I am offended as an American, as a Syrian, as an Arab, as a woman, as a lesbian, as a human when they do so … crimes are crimes and just because someone was a terrorist, a zionist, an islamophobe, a homophobe, a sexist, a racist, a miltarist, an occupier, an arab, an israeli, a new yorker, an iraqi … that doesn’t excuse killing them …
But, I still have a real debt of gratitude to Bin Laden … and it may seem strange.
Cycle back with me to September 10, 2001. Back then, I was approaching my 26th birthday. I’d been married and that had recently ended. I was trying to put together the rubble of my life. Since I was a freshman in high school, I’d had a fairly good inkling that I was attracted to women; I’d been terrified of it and felt it was something to suppress and fight against. I’d done everything I could to cure myself; prayer, self-mortification, marriage … none of them had worked. And the last had just ended dismally as I couldn’t even pretend well enough. If there was any thing not to be depressed about at that time, it was my friendship with an American woman, Katy … and I had a crush on her that I was terrified of (what if she thought I was crazy? Sick? Foolish?) I’d had erotic dreams about her … which were embarassing … and I had never dated and …. Well, you get the idea … on 9/10/01, I presumed that it would just be another stupid childish crush. My main hope was maybe I could one day get a decent marriage, maybe to some old Syrian man who wouldn’t care too much what I did … I had absolutely zero intention of ever telling anyone that I dreamed about kissing girls …
And then 9/11 happened. It was awful … as an American, as an Arab, as a Muslim, as a Human … it was a terrible day … I’ve written about it elsewhere: http://damascusgaygirl.blogspot.com/2011/05/september.html
I ended that when Katy arrived … because … well, we kept company with each other and I actually drank a little wine … I’d known that when she was much younger she’d ‘experimented’ with women and I asked her why she’d never hit on me, told her I had a crush on her … and we ended up dating and I came out …
And all because I was so freaked out and stressed out by the crimes of bin Laden, because I was honestly terrified of a ‘day of judgment’ against American Muslims and a coming war, I ‘slipped’ and did the one thing I was terrified of:
I kissed a girl …. And came out …
So, thanks Bin Laden for that, thanks for freking me out enough to be scared of other things besides the closet!
2 comments:
Ha, this is the best thank you to Bin Laden on the interwebs! Don't think he will like it mind.
One of the most interesting 'coming out' stories I have ever come across. More often than not, liberation comes from 'slipping' and awakening to the reality that the only thing we really have to fear is fear itself. Thanks for sharing your experiences with the world. It might help others who face similar fears.
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