Monday, I went to meet friends in a café. We had a lively discussion about the future. What comes after Asad and how we get there … how do we avoid a civil war. What can be done and what must be done …
You can, I am sure, imagine it.
There was wifi in the café and, when the conversation was touching on other things, I was reading news, emailing friends, and so on … I even composed a post or two for my blog.
A very, very dear (and, of course, quite gorgeous!) friend in Quebec emailed me that she was trying to call me at home and no one was answering. I was startled as my father should have been around. I’d left him at home by himself … and, well, he retired back to Damascus as his health is not what it had been. And, with my mother out of the country, I feel exceedingly responsible for him, making sure he has his pills, isn’t strainng himself and so on …
So, when she tried again and again with no response, I got worried.
As I have also been more than a little paranoid since my visit from security services, I decided to use a landline rather than my mobile. So, I went and called him from a public phone. No answer on the home number. No answer on his mobile; he’d turned it off (which isn’t that startling; he lets the battery run down all the time).
I decided to call our doorman; he told me that my dad had left, where he’d gone to and that I could call him there …
I did.
And he told me:
They came back for you. This time, there’s nothing I can do. Go somewhere and don’t tell me where you are. Be safe. I love you.
So, I didn’t go home Monday night; I stayed at a friend’s house. Yesterday, I went home for a bit. As I got close to the house, I saw that there were two of Them outside the front door.
There’s more than one way into my house and some are pretty well hidden. Not even all the family knows all of them. I used one of those and got inside. I could see that they had indeed been there (either that or my aged father had an especially wild party in my absence and failed to clean up).
I washed up, packed a bag with a few changes of clothes, spare contacts and solution, and so on. Loaded that in with my laptop after briefly checking on line. Took the sim card from my phone and left it.
I changed my clothes; without saying exactly how I’m far less recognizable as me (there are certain advantages to living here if one wants to become anonymous).
I went back the way I had come.
I wandered around the city a bit; I ended up at an old friend’s home in an area where it’s ‘safe’ (a posh suburb where lots of those who have benefitted from Assadism live) for the night.
I’m trying to figure out the next step.
If they used warrants here, there’d be one with my name on it. I believe I can evade them and still do useful work here but it makes life much less easy.
I have no desire to be a martyr, even to my own cause, so I will do what I can to stay free. It isn’t easy … but …
For now, I’ve been writing away from where I am and I will be posting things when I am erratically on line.
Meanwhile, hopefully, as grim as it may seem right now, the way to freedom has never seemed clearer! Our revolution will win; we will have a free and democratic Syria soon. I know it in my bones. Our greatest age is about to appear and we shall once more amaze the world. We will have a free Syria and a free nation; it is coming soon. The revolution will succeed and we will rise above sectarianism, despotism, sexism, and all the dead weight of these years of bitterness, of division and partition, of oppression and of tyranny. We will be free!
57 comments:
I won't be far...
I have just started following your blog from Cairo, much respect and solidarity. Hope you can stay safe and continue with your good work. Much love
Just started following your blog from Jerusalem. Good luck, stay safe, our pryers are with you.
I'm a friend of Sandra's, from France. She keeps alerting her contacts on FB about your situation. I do hope things will improve soon for you and your family, and I wish you the best of luck.
Also, I'm a translator and I recently translated a book entitled Small Acts of Resistance, by Steve Crawshaw and John Jackson, who are linked to Amnesty International. I alerted them on FB about you and your situation. What you go through would perfectly fit into their book, which details the incredible acts of courage of everyday men and women around the world, in defiance of dictatorships and the likes.
Again, the best of luck to you, and my greatest respect for you and what you do.
Take care,
Patricia
amina - thank you so much for continuing to update us on your blog - even though the risks are getting greater and greater. you are incredibly inspirational. as a syrian in diaspora who is reading the news day and night, trying to get accurate reports of what is happening and not able to get news from my family over telephone lines, i have so so so appreciated your writings. i am praying for the safety of you, your father and, really, all syrians who are sacrificing so much for dignity and freedom. insha'allah when i return, as you did, i will be coming home to a changed syria, where we no longer have to whisper our personal opinions, glance suspicion at our neighbors, or create a lexicon of codewords for valid grievances. min 'albi ya 3younii, shukran 3layki.
Following you from Tel Aviv, Stay safe!
I can't imagine how much fear you must be feeling right now. I hope things in Syria go well and come to a good end soon, I can see so many way it could get really much worse.
Keep your head down until they do.
I just discovered your blog the other day, and I have to say you write really well and I really enjoyed reading it.
You continue to amaze me Amina, I hope and pray that your dreams for a free Syria come true soon.
Stay safe
Zoe (Brighton, UK)
Amina, it's better to be a living lion and live on your knees. Come home, and dandle your babies under the peach tree.
If you stay, I pray for your safety.
Please stay safe!
Dear Amina,
I rarely was so deeply touched as I am now reading you. It's not only what you're saying, it's how you say it.
Stay safe, stay free. Your steps these days might turn out to be the first in a 1000 miles journey.
I wish you God speed.
PS: If you are to come to Beirut one day, look me up.
Amina,
Stay safe. You are in my thoughts.
Amina, I am LezGetReal's Linda's sister and Bridgette's aunt, and so have heard about and read you for awhile now. Please, dear one, stay safe. No one speaks with the same voice you do, and your homeland needs your voice. You and your father are in our prayers and hearts and minds. Bright blessings on you. ~Pat
Amina, I hope everything turns out well for you, your family and all the Syrian people. Only discovered your blog quite recently via a link on globalvoices but have absolutely fallen in love with it since!
stay safe, love and support from London,
Nicole
Heroes aren't the ones seeking dangers - it's the ones stepping up when the time comes.
People like you inspire us.
Love from Cairo. Be well, and be safe, and keep us posted.
I only just started following your blog today, but it is one of the bravest (not to mention most eloquent) things I've read in a while. Wishing you safety.
Stay safe!
Both my husband and I thank-you for posting an update today. We were starting to worry for your safety.
I knew they would come back for you that it was just a matter of time. I was hoping they wouldn't. If they can toss Tal Al-Mallouhi in jail for 3 years over her blog...
Keep writing, you're a real inspiration.
Inshalla you will be safe.
Love from Montreal.
from Montreal, a Lebanese who lived the civil war in its entirety, and the years of chaos that followed and continues.
stay safe sister, and may the day come when the tyrants and their minions learn that it is people like you who hold the power and decision of the nation.
I hope this message gets to you
Please stay safe. If you truly must stay longer, Amina, please use the following program Tor. It routs internet traffic all across the world through internet cafes. It should make you harder to track by your internet usage: http://www.torproject.org/
a gay girl from somewhere else
Amina,
Love from the U.S. Stay safe. Please. You are one of the few people in our world who is brave enough not to be silenced, who rebels against the monotony. You keep fighting, lady, but please be careful.
my thoughts are with you. stay safe, amina, and keep fighting the good fight.
love from connecticut.
In the 21st Century to have such a post appear in my RSS would be beyond the comprehension of people from the 20th Century.
My only hope is that Assad and his inner-circle are also accessing the internet to understand that their time is past.
Stay safe, with cyber hugs to you and your Father :-)
Amina,
I've been following your blog since you were linked on Andrew Sullivan's The Dish. Thank you for continuing to post - my thoughts are with you and your family. Stay safe and stay strong!
Love from Virginia.
Amina,
I can't believe what I am reading in your blog, and that's exactly why it is so important that you write it. Thank you so much for sharing your stories.
I hope you're safe.
Look after yourself Amina: people are thinking of you and wishing you safety.
My thoughts are with you and all the others in Syria who want the same as you. Wish you safety.
Damn, that was close.
This website has info on how to disappear completely, albeit in America, but some advice is quite general. Please, Amina, read it.
http://www.skeptictank.org/hs/vanish.htm#Section2
At the moment you are acting unwisely. The more you write the more dangerous you become to _them_ and the more effort they will expend to catch you. Eventually THEY WILL COME FOR YOUR FRIENDS. Make new ones before that happens.
I know you can do good work to hasten the dawn of equality and democracy in Syria, but I fear you are not taking the right steps to protect yourself by hanging out at friends' houses.
Keep in touch.
Dear Amina, please follow the advice of the wise people and try to reduce the risks as much as you can! I so hope that you and your loved ones will be well, and that things in Syria take a decisive turn for the better.
I only read a few of your posts now, but it was enough to see that you are amazing. Please, please, take care!
From Haifa, Israel
If you went anonymous in the way I'm thinking, thumbs up, they will never catch you. Just remember to keep your mobile off charge with the battery out as much as you can when ever you are alone, Syriatel is helping the bastards locate people through GPRS. Moreover, DOME COME ONLINE, the last two days were extremely active on their side, there's a whole war going on in facebook and I think it's going on almost everywhere, wanted people are the shortlisted in their extreme surveillance systems.
Kaman, if the place you're in is the same one in my mind (Qura), leave it.. every stone there is a fucking SS.
Oh, and if there is anyway you can figure a method of emergency contact where you can contact someone in case of arrest, do it, so that a campaign can be directly launched and to raise awareness on your case.
Least but not last.. Syria will be free.
Lots of prayers,
Amina, your best bet is to drop out for a while. take the battery out of your cell and leave it at a friends, turn off the computer and leave it, stay away from internet cafes and change your look.
Get out of Syria if you can.
"Don't let the bastards grind you down"
When I first read about your blog in Lemonde.fr the first thought that crossed my mind is this now famous line from U2's song Acrobat. If you don't know it I hope you can find it. Please stay safe and outlive the bastards to celebrate with the rest of the world the day they go down.
Because they will. If not tomorrow the day afte, but they will. And it's people like you that can make that happen.
Whatever you do don't let fear guide your steps, it tends to generally take you where you don't want to go. Be prudent and smart but do not let fear take over.
Oh and if any of those bastards from the Syrian special police services looking for you are reading this, well this one's for you:
....................../´¯/)
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................../..../
............/´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........./'/.../..../......./¨¯\
.......('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
........\.................'.../
.........''...\.......... _.·´
...........\..............(
.............\.............\....
I found your blog just a few days ago. My heart goes out to you. My thoughts are with you, your father, and your family. Be safe.
From Virginia, USA
Amina,
You will find in this document a list of documents to help you stay safe online: http://www.crin.org/email/crinmail_detail_popup.asp?crinmailID=3648
Some are really good!
Stay safe
From London
Dear Amina
If you feel it's safe enough - please will you get in touch with me about your story?
I'm on munazzaradio@gmail.com
Take care.
I've just discoverd your blog and I fear for your safety, please be carful
Luv from montreal, quebec
Thanks to Jezebel, I found you...As a descendant of Syrian and Lebanese immigrants, I'm supportively following you here from southern Mississippi in the US. I wish you safety. :)
Good luck to you! The face of change has been peeking from behind the Olive tree, and it scrowls in disgust over the current state of affairs. The entire world has had a taste of what has yet to come, but I assert that change will happen! You are a brave pioneer, and I prey for your safety, your kind will lead the revolution!
Anon - Montreal
ciao Amina,
It' the first time I'm reading your blog and I'm sorry to have not found earlier... (I add the link in my blog, if you don't mind). I'm already waiting for reading your next post!
I've known a bit some Syrians, your country and your great culture... enough to be sure your revolution will be successful. People like you and words like yours are the proof.
Take care.
You and all Syrians are in our thoughts.
Diego - Italy (diego.corrias@gmail.com)
Amina, I wrote about you on my blog (http://bit.ly/lnSGcm) a week ago. I kept checking for your updates and was very worried when I didn't find any, especially with the escalated violence and searches that we are reading about. I join the chorus above exhorting you to be cautious and aware and take care of yourself. You are both incredibly brave and wonderfully articulate-- a precious voice that must be continue to be heard. Good luck.
I don't know anything about you, but saw your post linked from a friend's facebook.
Just read this entry and wanted to wish you safety, love and peace.
good luck Amina, our thoughts and prayers are with you and all the Syrian people.
Good luck Amina...I just discovered your blog on a message board a couple days ago-you are an extremely brave woman and a wonderful writer...stay as safe as possible, and I hope things get much better in Syria soon.
Best wishes from Columbia, South Carolina, US
Just discovered your blog. Stay safe!
In solidarity,
A Gay Girl from Indianapolis, USA
Time comes for everything. Peaceful blessings, Amina!
Amina: apply for refugee status to somewhere civilized like Canada or New Zealand or Germany. NOW. You have to get out of there. Your life is in danger. They WILL find you, and when they find you they will kill you. After trying to "rape the lesbian out of you."
Don't hesitate. Don't waste time. RUN. I will be thinking of you, and I wish you the best. Move lightly and carefully; you have a friend, if only in spirit.
- a lesbian from New York City.
Why would she leave? Amina obviously knows that she is in danger. She is being careful. And more than that, she is passionate for her cause. What would happen if everyone who was passionate about their causes left when they were in danger?
Amina, I pray and fear for your safety. I know you will be part of something great, and I admire you for your passion and dedication to see this through. Blessings!
Hi! I'm a french student and I just discovered your blog today.
Le Monde newspaper reported abstracts from your article on it website.
I'd like to show my support for you and your country during this critical period. I'm sure that your revolution will not be vain.
The situation is taking the biggest part of the news here. I hope it will continue...
I will check your posts everyday.
Stay safe.
From the French Alps.
Amina, Following you from Vancouver, Canada. Stay safe and good luck. The will of the oppressed are always going to win over the oppressor.
Amina, thank you so much for all that you are doing to bring the story of the oppressed to the rest of the world. God bless you, and stay safe!
Hello Amina,
We're living in a quite dark era. But sometimes humanity, courage, justice manage to get through the dark clouds.
Tunisia, Egypt won their freedom, Libya is still struggling getting rid of their grotesque despotic buffoon, in which they're helped by USA and my country, France, probably out of economic and politic interest but who really cares?
A mad murderer was finally killed. I'm not a man to dance around a grave, not even Bin Laden's, but I sure won't shed a tear for him.
I hope we could do the same with your so called leader, this cold-blooded murderer hidden behind his moustache and a gentle fatherly smile. I hope he will be judged and punished, in whatever way that takes.
I'm not a believer, but if I'm wrong, may God bless you and keep you and your family safe.
Please stay safe!
All the Luck there is to you and your Family!
Stay safe and Free!
Following from the United States
Amina,
I respect you and what you are doing so, so much. You are a truly inspiring figure as a woman, a lesbian, and a revolutionary. That being said, I want to read your book one day. Be sure to use good judgement, and leave Syria if you must. It's not giving up, it's preserving your life so that you can continue your fight for a free Syria!
In solidarity,
A Gay Girl in BC, Canada
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