28 April 2011

A Syrian Romance

In a country like this, in a world like this, it might seem like it’s almost impossible to meet anyone … especially if by anyone, you mean someone else who’s, ahem, a lesbian …

Well, at least that’s what I thought when I came back to Damascus last August. I’d been out for almost a decade and had had some less than pleasant dating experiences. I felt myself adrift in life and unmoored from my culture. So, when I received a job offer in Damascus, I took it. I presumed as I packed up my life in the US and prepared to come here that I’d be having a quiet few years; that of course has not worked out! And I also presumed that I wouldn’t be dating anyone. That didn’t work out either!

When I lived in the USA, I lived in a major city (Atlanta) that’s very gay friendly; from where I was, if the urge struck me, I could actually walk to a couple ‘meat markets’ for lesbians. That was something I knew I’d be giving up. Celibacy … or returning to my younger years …

It wasn’t very long after I’d arrived here, though, that things got interesting. I met a woman (for her privacy, I’ll call her ‘Zina’) who was a few years younger than me at a reception; she teaches at a university here and has her PhD from a British university. We hit it off at once; she was also a single academic bilingual and we sat making silly comments about our colleagues. We agreed to meet up for coffee and, pretty soon, we’d become fast friends.

Now, I’m queer and Zina is beautiful … so naturally I had feelings for her right off. But, this is Syria so I squashed them. Saying to your new friend ‘you’re really hot; do you date women?’ is not a good idea. So, I was careful never to bring up my sexuality; Zina asked if I had someone, I told her no, I was married a long time ago … and, yes, I’ve dated since then but … meh, have you seen the prospects here? She laughed and agreed; she’d dated in graduate school but not since then.

Our friendship steadily grew; we were hanging out all the time, meeting for coffee or lunch, going to restaurants in the evening and having long conversations about politics, religion, art, literature, history … she’s a paid up member of the Baath Party from a loyalist family, Druze sect, so there were things we agreed to disagree on. And we got closer … I found us doing things that, if I’d been talking to a non-Arab in the US, would have been sure signals of interest, but, when she took my hand as we went shopping, or I sat entirely too close to her here, it meant just friendship. Or so I thought.

And I had a big old crush on her. I dreamed about kissing her. I decided that I’d out myself to her; it’s too important a thing, I thought, about me never to mention … and, I told myself, if she’s a real friend, she’ll accept me. And maybe, just maybe, she might respond positively … so I set a date for myself to come clean … after I had had a vacation!

I went to Britain for a few days; an old friend from the US was living there and had invited me. She’s straight but she knew I hadn’t been ‘out’ for a while … so, we went out to a lesbian club and I had fun … but I still had Zina on my mind. When we went back to my friend’s flat, I saw that I had an email from Zina. So I responded, told her the name of the club and that it was cool and fun … and didn’t mention what kind of club it was.

No big deal, right? Well, Zina immediately sent me a friend request on facebook for a brand new profile of herself she had just posted. I added her … and what do I see? “Zina is interested in women” …. Hmmm …. I ‘like’ that, she likes that I like that … and we are emailing back and forth at high speed … she knew the club and realized that I was at least gay-friendly …

And she calls me … ‘yes, I’m gay,” she says … so am I, I tell her … we’ve both been obvious and dancing around the mutual attraction …. And now the flirting is in the open …

We talk and email and talk … and she wants to pick me up from the airport when I land.
And when she does, we are kissing in the airport itself, barely making it back to her apartment dressed … and, well, you can guess the rest …

We became an ‘item’, then a couple, almost inseperable … she’s out to her family and I am to mine and for the first time, I go out to dinner with my girlfriend’s parents and everything is in Arabic. It’s great … we vacation together at the Red Sea and pretend we are non-Arabs (we’re both pale and speak good English, even if she has a Scots intonation) so that we can be ‘out’ at Sharm al Sheikh and model our bikinis and such … life is good as we come back to Damascus. We are pretty lesbians in love, right?

… but it didn’t last. See, as I mentioned before, she’s a Baathi. I am most certainly not.

And sooner or later that was bound to come up.

One morning I woke up and was reading news online. There was a thing about the bombing in Alexandria. I’m mad.

“You know,” I say, “I bet the government did that to create strife between Copts and Muslims.”

She disagrees; the Muslims, she says, are crazy. And why would a government do that?

I say, you don’t think our government would do something like that if it came down to it?

Why?

Because they are scared of the people, so the only way is to convince all the non Muslims, I say, that democracy is worse than them, that we’d have Saudi Arabia here …

Well, yes, that is what would happen, she says, that’s why we need Bashar to protect us from them; they would cut our throats if they could.

Who? I ask.

You know, the Muslim brothers, all the muslims, really …

And then it gets ugly. We start fighting. She insists Asad is a necessary man, who protects Syria. I disagree. We start arguing about what happened in 1982, 1976, 1973, 1967, 1963, 1961 … and so on … ugly things that we have avoided all the months we have been together ...

And … well, pretty soon, it is obvious we can not go on as a couple. I want a revolution; she fears it. She sees the mukhabarat as helpful; I see them as enemies ... So we broke up …

And that is how it is here. We still speak … and she is doubting Asad’s wisdom the last time we talked. But, politics is everything sometimes and what can one do?

17 comments:

rasha suleiman said...

it is rly sad that in ur sexual & geographical it is exceedingly hard to find a partner. and once u do, politics play a role if no the ONLY role to separate u. I would understand if a couple broke up for differences in their creed/faith, but in politics? i think one can 'settle' a lil bit.

About the blog said...

Sounds like a lot of love between you thrown away, surely you don't change how much you love someone based on their opinions?

We all have incorrect opinions all the time, but what doesn't change is the aim we are trying to achieve. I think you have the same political standpoint as each other: that syria is better as a tolerant, open society. It's true you differ in your opinions on how to bring about this syria, but I think to walk away is both a real shame for your friendship, and a lack of vision that you're on the same side (in more than one way..!). Bon chance.

Soul said...

It breaks my heart sometimes that the queer community of Damascus (at least which I had interacted with) had the least interest in participating with an opinion on the recent events. Sometimes it was out of fear, but the most dangerous is that some other times, it was out of ignorace which was totally crystallized in this critical phase of the Syrian society, let alon the queer community in it. It's an ignorance that extends from ignorance about social problems to carelessness about cultural, historical, economic, and hence political problems.
Sad..

Oh, and I think you would have broken up even if with the absence of these events. However, have you tried convincing her under the sheets? that might have worked! Just Saying.

steriking said...

Oh. Liked this blog post but not the ending. I hope u and Zina become a couple again. Seems u and her have alto in common except politics. And I am political myself so I can see why politics is important in a relationship. Well.Wish u the best.

Mitchell said...

The situation is developing so fast, you may find that you both change your opinions.

Amina A. said...

I have moved on ...

Badria said...

Amina, I just found you yesterday when Andrew
Sullivan linked to you, and I've begun reading your blog from its initial posts. I suspect we are related; I am the granddaughter of Kazem Jazairi and his wife, Amina Ayoubi, daughter of Hayssam. I am sure you have other things on your mind right now, but it would be great to make contact with you someday, as I am also a writer and am working on a novel set in Damascus in 1970. I'm on Facebook or BadriaJazairi@gmail.com. I should add that you are a remarkable, extraordinary woman and I very much appreciate your stories.

elodiie said...

Hi! I'm a french journalist. I would like to get contact with you. My email adress: elodiie2@hotmail.fr.

gemma said...

hey amina - i have been reading your blog for a few days now and im addicted! this post and the other one about your dad are absolutely memorable. i'm a journalist for a newspaper in barcelona, spain, and would love to interview you. it should be on the phone, though, since mr. assad doesnt allow us journos into syria. if you are into it pls send me an email gsaura@lavanguardia.es
thanks! :-)

Martina said...

Hi Amina, I love your blog. I am an Italian freelance and would like to get in contact with you. Email me please at giannantina@gmail.com. Thanks

Sahand Sahebdivani said...

Hi Amina, it seems there's a million people who want to get in touch with you, so hope you will notice this post. I am an Iranian journalist located in Amsterdam, where I also organise events on queer emancipation issues in the Middle East. This is for instance an event that we've organised for next week about gender issues in Iran: http://iranpy.net/articles/1162

I would like to translate one of your blogposts in Persian for an Iranian audience to read. I hope you will contact me about this.

Sincerely,

Sahand Sahebdivani
cafemezrab@gmail.com

Chavala said...

Amina, as Sahand mentions above - I am sure many people are trying to get in touch with you. I work for a major UK newspaper with a documentary film production unit that is very committed to making more films and getting more coverage for Syria as well as the wider ME. We'd like to hire you to do some work for us. I use secure/encrypted hushmail - please get in touch at ccmadlena@hushmail.com

2amari said...

Hi Amina, still in Damascus? i am a syrian/german sitizen, since 3 months in Damas, and I would really like to get in touch with u!! I am also lesbian and i have a lot of problems to get in touch with other lez. to share thoughts and problems with...I really would love to know u...may be u can send me ur emailadresse?
mine is: 2amari@gmail.com

Anonymous Syria said...

I know it's hard to tolerate a pro-regime person who talks the official propaganda, but that shouldn't push you to break up. If you are pro-democracy, then it's better to practice it and tolerate the difference, at least don't allow politics to widen the difference between both of you.

Daniel Fuqua said...

Amina. politics and religion are the ruin of humanity, especially in the middle east. It's a shame that a loving, thoughful woman as yourself can't find true love where you live. There will always be obsticals to overcome there. Maybe, someday soon everything will change for the better.......For all women of Syria....

caroline said...

Oh for God's sake girlfriend, getting laid and having fun are more important than politics!

There are reasons she is right; there are reasons you are right. No one knows what the hell is going to happen in the next few months. You need to be there for each other -- and you get some lovin' from a PhD no less.

Call Zina right now and tell her to come over!

Amina A. said...

Thanks all ... but I have a new love now! :D

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