I want all this to end for entirely selfish reasons.
When I came back to Damascus in August, I did so because I thought it would be good to be grounded here, to be where I come from and all of that (and, truth be told, the US economic situation and the rise of some really ugly bigotry to prominence did not hurt). I thought then that it would be easy and calming to be here … and at first it was …
I came with a couple of planned writing projects (an autobiography disguised as a novel (or the other way around), a book on Syrian history for visitors, and so on) and I did have vague hopes of seeing major reforms or change.
But, if you had asked me then, what were the odds of major change here, I would say very unlikely any time soon. Maybe one law might be relaxed … but if anything was going to alter, it would merely be a matter of economics.
I made plans based on that assumption. I decided that, finally, I’d go back to school in what I really wanted (history) and applied to a number of master’s programs in Britain …
When I left the US, I had deep concerns about my father’s health; he had a stroke last year and his health has started to fade. After I left, he handed over his business to my younger brother, put his house up for rent … and in January, he and my mother arrived here. He made it very clear that that was the last journey he would be making … and he settled in …
And nothing seemed too strange or too strained. A dull enough year ahead for me …
Then, everything started changing … first, Tunisia, then Egypt, then the whole of the b’lad was rising, waking up and shaking off the tyrants …
We cheered and wondered what would happen here … and now the revolution has come here.
The time for speculation was over and the time for action had begun.
And I’ve gotten myself caught up in it; I always had strong feelings on these issues and I always liked to think of myself as someone willing to do heroic things. When I was a young girl, I loved to read adventure novels (no one bothered to tell me I was reading boys’ books …) and when I did, I always imagined myself as the hero: Amina, Warlord of Mars, Amina, Queen of Beasts … and so on. In my mind’s eye, I was the one who came through and rescued the captive princess from her tower, slashing my way through crowds of foes … “I am not yet dead!” I’d cry … and in the last scene, the princess and I would kiss and ride off into the sunset …
And as I grew older, I read lots of history and came to have real heroes from the past … Naziq al Abid and Hind and Aisha and Zenobia … women who would not have sat demurely in the corner …
So, I have had no choice; I have been saying what I believe in all of my life, consequences be damned. So I have to struggle now.
BUT
That selfish part of me wishes we could get over it quickly! I want to get on with my life and be through the shadows of revolution. I want our side to win and I want us to win soon; yesterday is not soon enough!
I have tickets booked for a vacation in Rome in June with my absolute dearest; I don’t want to be in jail or being involved in a street battle then … I want to be living la dolce vita, reinacting scenes from A Room in Rome, falling again in love and all of that … I have plans after that to travel to Quebec and Georgia and then settle in for intensive studies …
So, for my selfish reasons, please Asad, go, we do not want you any longer, go and take your minions with you … and I promise I’ll buy you a cup of tea when I see you in Britain or maybe even order some new glasses from your shop!
I have stuff to do! Go!
3 comments:
Yes please go soon Assad, we have stuff to do!! Habibti I Miss u.
I'm new to your blog (just came here from BlogHer). Your writing is absolutely mesmerizing. I feel as though I'm sitting right next to you when I read your stories.
I don't think that it's selfish to want unrest to be over and done with. Not that anything's ever really over and done with - nothing's ever that easy - but it's only human to want a calm and peaceful life, with adventures chosen BY us rather than FOR us.
You call it selfish, I might call it human :)
What a wonderful blog, yours is.
Do you know that after the Guardian, also the online version of the most important Italian newspaper, the "Corriere della Sera", has just dedicated an article to you?
My Best wishes... please stay alive and free :)
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